STORIES

I love writing short stories before bed, so here is a collection of my stories.

The Bed of Bod

29/10/2014

Jenni tells me that the thing she would like more than anything in this world right now is a comfortable bed. At the moment she’s sleeping on a 30 year old mattress made of polystyrene that she bought from a shop that is now a Chinese take-away owned by a Frenchman with a goatee. She…

Melvin’s Blender

28/10/2014

It was going cheap and so was Melvin. So he bought it. Spinning. Mushing. Crushing. Melvin was now the proud owner of a second hand blender. Like most people who buy blenders, he’d always wanted one and now he had one he didn’t know what to do with it. He wasn’t in the habit of…

Microwaves with Legs

04/10/2014

This is a story about a sleazy entertainer who dreams of owning microwaves with legs and tells rude jokes to kids while causing all sorts of chaos at a sports day event.

Balama’s Army

29/09/2014

As the boat got faster and faster, Barbara soared higher and higher. “Wheee!” she exclaimed as she flew through the sky like a cloud on drugs. But as the boat reached a critical speed, the wire snapped and she was left gliding along in the sky. After a few feet she started her descent, until…

Toasted Territories

05/07/2014

“Buy your own sodding bread.” she shouted at her lodger, who was also her husband and father to her two children. He was asking her to go down to the shops to buy bread so he could finish building his toast-fort, but she was busy watching a television programme where a Judge called Judy shouted…

The Noisemaker

14/06/2014

It was half past Wednesday when I woke up to the sound of noises, silently echoing around my room. I looked up, then down, then up, then down, then my neck hurt. I saw nothing, but heard more than enough to tell me that there was something in my room. I rolled off my bed…

Yellow Matter Custard

29/03/2014

Jenny Merchant wasn’t her real name, but she preferred it to Wanda Buttslap. So on the day she was asked for ID when ordering a glass of water at a pub in West Burmore, she reluctantly admitted her true existence. As she handed a little piece of plastic with a photo and some details over…

The Firemen of Widdon

29/03/2014

Every day at precisely 3pm, something unusual happens in the village of Widdon. I’m not sure what it is exactly, as the people of Widdon very secretive – especially when it comes to this daily strange activity – but I am told it has something to do with fire. Nevertheless, there is a story about…

Aubergine Doyle

29/03/2014

Today was the big day. Aubergine was finally going to big school. With his satchel over his shoulder, his tie around his ankle and a piece of chicken in his coat pocket, he was ready for whatever this new school had to throw at him. The thought of a building with arms frightened him somewhat,…

Pigworth’s Pie

30/01/2014

Santres Pigworth was one of the most famous chefs in the whole of Dudley. His pastries in particular were well known for being beyond delicious. Pigworth’s Pie was the name of his restaurant, and it was the only restaurant in town to have been voted ‘Best Restaurant Named After Its Owner’ for seventeen years in…

That’s What You Think!

15/12/2013

“That’s what you think!” shouted Luna as she ran out of the house for the last time. In her rage she had forgotten to slam the door behind her so her murderous lodger did it for her. “Slam!” shouted Lee as shut the door and he returned inside the house for the last time. He…

Shoes ‘n’ Stuff

18/11/2013

Ida Bellows was a shoe addict. She loved them. Small shoes, big shoes, from flip flops to boots she wore them all. She had sixteen pairs of converse, twenty-four pairs of leather boots, eight pairs of platform shoes from the 80s, and a single left shoe that had apparently been worn by Paul McCartney for…

Al Jeebra: Math Man

09/11/2013

Al Jeebra was the best maths teacher that class 4C had ever had. His mental arithmetic was unparalleled, and in less than 2 seconds he could tell you that 4698 x 36.3 is… Well, whatever it is he could tell you. His left arm was of no significant importance, but his nostrils were 3% larger…

The Tale of Rosie May

31/10/2013

Her real name was Rosetta Mayworth the Third, but she liked it when people called her Rosie May. Her father had grown the nickname for her from his Name Tree planted at the end of someone else’s garden. Her mother had wanted her to be named Betty after her great grandfather – he was an…

The Drills

30/10/2013

Elemey wakes up to the sound of drills. Every morning. 6am. The drills. The endless groaning and grinding of the workmen outside her one bedroomed hotel. Industrial strength ear plugs were no match for these noise machines. But it would soon be over. In three weeks the building of the town’s new shed would be…

Courtney Dave’s Napkin Parachute

30/08/2013

Courtney Dave was the prettiest girl in England. Or so she told me. She grew up on a road not far from another road, and worked in the local convenience store selling convenience. At the age of 12, Courtney began learning tap dancing. Although she wanted to learn ballet, her mother had suggested rather forcefully…

Timothy Smalls: Four Eyes

05/07/2013
[vision_notification style=”tip” font_size=”12px” closeable=”true”] This story is unfinished, as I am still writing it. [/vision_notification] The phrase ‘four eyes’ is usually used as a derogatory term for a regular human who does not actually have any more retinal features than his fellow humans, but instead wears spectacles in order to improve their vision. Over the…

1920s Women’s Magazine

08/05/2013

It was a late saturday night and my husband, Graham (31 and a bit), and I went to our local social club. We had a good night, a few cups of tea and we watched people dance while they put extra clothes on. All in all a wild night. On the way home, Graham said…