Jenni tells me that the thing she would like more than anything in this world right now is a comfortable bed. At the moment she’s sleeping on a 30 year old mattress made of polystyrene that she bought from a shop that is now a Chinese take-away owned by a Frenchman with a goatee. She says it feels like lying on boredom and whenever she moves she can here the spine tingling high pitch screech that always comes when you rub against polystyrene. According to Phil, the people who make polystyrene actually add this noise in during the manufacturing process as part of some crazy marketing scheme to get people to buy more polystyrene. I don’t believe this is true, as I am the owner of a polystyrene factory and I’ve never heard of this process. I might look into it though. Anyway, the point is that Jenni is sleeping on an intolerable bed that is not only uncomfortable, but is also being slowly worn away by her very hungry dog. Her dog is a whippet called Flash Gordon, so called because Jenni likes the superhero The Flash and thinks they are the same person.

So, I have decided that tomorrow I will buy her a new bed. I shall not mention it, as I would like it to be a surprise. I will have to tell the bed shop sales assistant, as he needs to be in on the surprise. It would be quite hard to quietly sneak a mattress out of the shop without being noticed… again. I managed it once, but it turned out instead of stealing the world’s smallest mattress, I had actually succeeded in stealing a slice of bread. It was a nice slice. I had it for breakfast the following day with some jam on it. I don’t have much money, but hopefully I will be able to afford a decent enough mattress. I am excited for the day ahead now and I cannot wait to see Jenni’s face when she finds out.

[2 days later]

So yesterday I went to Bed Bugs and saw a a rather fancy mattress for Jenni. It was £180, which was a little higher than my budget of £20 and a 2-for-1 coupon for Greggs, and besides, Jenni wasn’t that good a friend. So I carried on down the road and met a homeless man called Bod. That wasn’t his real name, but everyone called him that because he had terrible body odour. He had recently come into a large collection of second hand mattresses and agreed to sell me one. I chose the one that smelt the least and had the fewest blood stains on. This would be the bed of Bod.

Before I went to Jenni’s I wrote a message on the mattress wrapping in felt tip that read ‘I am a mattress from the planet Mittresso’. I thought this would be funny, but on the way I realised it wasn’t that good a joke. I decided to just go with it though. I stood the mattress outside her door, rang the doorbell and hid behind a bush. I watched as Jenni oppened the door, screamed and fainted. When she came to, I explained to her that I had bought her a new mattress and she explained that she was joking when she told me about the polystyrene mattress. Since she didn’t need the new mattress, I brought it home, hollowed it out and made the world’s largest wallet. It also doubles up as an 8-person sleeping bag. I’m taking it on Dragon’s Den next week.