My brother is allergic to nuts They make his face go big It always makes me laugh so much So this is what I did I put cashews in his shoes I put chestnuts on his chest I put pistachios Right up his nose With a slice of lemon zest Well he wasn’t happy at…

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If I was still a twelve year old Life would be much sillier And also I think loving you Would not be paedophilia

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I have a pet husky dog Who’s always in a rush I put him in the blender Turned it on and shouted ‘Mush!’

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I call her in the morning I call her every day I call her quite a lot of things I’m not allowed to say

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Whinnie the Pooh was sat on the loo, Thinking ‘Something feels funny. I’ve gone all icky, And it’s coming out sticky, I shouldn’t have eaten all that honey.

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Everything has worked out fine, You broke my heart, So I broke your spine.

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Every time I go upstairs I get a funny feeling, That this house would be so much better if we had a ceiling. It gets so bad that sometimes I just sit and laugh, At how I also get a shower when i’m sitting in the bath.

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While walking through a field in Kent, I happened upon a fortune teller’s tent. So there I stopped and changed my path, I went inside just for a laugh. There she sat, in all her jewels, Ready to rip off tourist fools. She told me “Sit!” and so I did, And handed over fourteen quid.…

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