It was going cheap and so was Melvin. So he bought it. Spinning. Mushing. Crushing. Melvin was now the proud owner of a second hand blender. Like most people who buy blenders, he’d always wanted one and now he had one he didn’t know what to do with it. He wasn’t in the habit of making soups or smoothies. In fact his diet mainly consisted of food taken away from take away fast food restaurants. But now that he had a blender, he would show the world that he could be a chef, or at the very least a cook. How hard could it be, he thought.

He left the car boot sale, having not bought any car boots, and headed for home. Melvin decided that he would call in at the local book shop on his way home to see if they had any books on how to cook cheap food in a cheap blender. Mr Kinderegg, the owner of the bookshop, was happy to recommend ‘Blending for Simpletons’ so Melvin bought it, haggling himself a 12p discount for not including the dust jacket. He was a skilled negotiator and never left anywhere paying the initial price that was asked of him, which would often lead to long shopping trips. Two weeks ago he’d spent 8 hours in Asda. He was working there at the time.

When Melvin arrived home, he put the blender pride of place on his kitchen worktop and moved all of his other impulse buy appliances to one side. He plugged the blender in and tested it to make sure he hadn’t bought a faulty blender from a dirty scamming git. He hadn’t. The blender whirred and buzzed as it should have. Melvin opened ‘Blending for Simpletons’ and flicked through it to find a recipe that would capture his appetite. On page 13 he found a recipe for french onion soup that interested him. However, it required more than 4 ingredients, so he moved on. 6 pages later, he saw gaspacho soup. That sounded much easier. He didn’t even have to heat it. He checked the ingredients list and then checked his fridge. No tomatoes. Damn. He decided he would use radishes instead. He followed the recipe, substituting radish for tomato, and blended his merry way toward a nice meal that he could serve for his girlfriend, Amy, who was coming for dinner that night. Once the soup was ready, he put it in the fridge to cool. He didn’t want to taste it before Amy as he thought it would be polite to try it together. This was his first mistake.

2 hours later, the doorbell rang. Melvin answered the door and was not at all surprised to see Amy standing in front of him. She gave him a kiss and he gave her a nod to acknowledge her sentiment. It was all very romantic. He invited her in and she made herself comfortable by rearranging the furniture. Meanwhile, Melvin was in the kitchen preparing the soup. As he carried the bowl from fridge to counter, it was then that he remembered what the other thing was that he was meant to buy from the car boot sale. Bowls. He’d broken all but one of his bowls the previous night during his annual Japanese-Greek night with his friends. What was he to do? He had to improvise. He looked around the kitchen, hoping to see something that he could serve the soup in.

“Why have you put the soup in a teapot?” Amy asked.
“It’s how the Swedish serve soup.” he lied, “I thought it might be fun to try it.”
“So why is yours in a vase?” she asked.
“I only had one teapot.” he replied.
Amy gave him a disbelieving look.
“Anway,” Melvin continued, “Eat up.”

They both started eating the soup, although they quickly wished they hadn’t. Amy’s face screwed up, while Melvin began heaving.

“What’s in this soup?” Amy asked.
“Uh… Radishes.” he replied.
“Why radishes?” she asked.
“I don’t know!” he said, before abandoning his meal and running off to the toilet.

When he returned from the bathroom, Amy had left. There was a note on the table, explaining that she was didn’t like the soup and wanted a man who could cook her a decent meal. Melvin was heartbroken. In the past few hours he had gained a blender and lost a girl.

“It’s all your fault,” he told the blender, “The toaster never would have let this happen.”

And with that Melvin unplugged the blender and hurled it at a passer by in the street, who was glad to have been given a free blender. He took home Melvin’s blender, excited at the notion of cooking his girlfriend a nice bowl of radish soup.

Congratulations. You have now reached the end of the story. To celebrate your undying dedication to my works of nonsense, here’s a short related joke:

I put a husky dog into a blender and shouted ‘Mush!’