Rupert Finn

The river was deep, but so was he. Rupert Finn sat on the banks of the Mersey river and thought about all the fish that had done him wrong over the years. His pet goldfish, who had so selfishly died after being over fed; the dolphin at the aquarium that didn’t wave back; his ex-wife, a mermaid called Chelsea that left him for a salmon.

This would be his perfect revenge. Once he’d drained the Mersey, they would all see what he was capable of. Then they would love him. He’d thought up the plan several weeks ago whilst at the supermarket buying a jar of milk. Ever since he’d been excited, training himself for the biggest task of his life; the task that would change his life forever. His plan – which he so neatly wrote on the back of a crisp packet – was to drain the Mersey river using a very very large straw.

Rupert had won many drinking contests in his adult life and was known in his local as the ‘Bottomless Pit’ amongst other, less polite, names. He’d spent days training his body to take in such large quantities of fluids and urinate at such a pace as to keep a steady flow, enabling him to consume abnormal amounts of liquid.

The only trouble he now faced with the Mersey plan was where to dispose of the water. This was what he sat thinking about. Suddenly, an idea came to him. Perhaps he could tweak his plan but still get revenge. Maybe he could urinate the water back into the river, thereby tainting it and annoying all the fish. It did not occur to him that he could just simply urinate in the river. He’d already prepared for the big drink, so it seemed a shame not to follow through.

So, he stood up, took hold of his straw and turned to face his audience, which consisted of his elderly neighbour – who was not entirely sure why she was there – and a Japanese tourist. He addressed them in a grand voice that promised much victory.

“Lady and gentleman. Today I shall get my revenge on all fish-kind. Today I shall ruin their lives the way they ruined mine. Chelsea if you’re out there, this is for you.”

And with that, he stuck his straw into the river and unzipped the flies on his trousers. He drew a large breath and began sucking on the straw.

Unfortunately, Rupert Finn had stuck his straw too far into the river and punctured the riverbed, thus ingesting not a large body of water, but a large clump of sand. Several hours later he woke up in a hospital bed, lying next to a woman who had been trying to drink the Mersey at the same time from the other side of the river. They married within a year and lived in a cottage in North Wales. He forgot all about his grudge against fish, but that was mainly due to the memory loss as a side effect from consuming so much sand.

Meanwhile, Chelsea the mermaid changed her name to Ariel and had a successful career as an actress in children’s films.

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