I enjoy writing stories that are often quite silly and don't always make a lot of sense



I enjoy writing stories that are often quite silly and don't always make a lot of sense

four eyes

Four Eyes

My first work of fiction.

Fred Chuff was born with four eyes. He's spent most of his life as a subject of ridicule, but when he decides to join the circus, he finds his true calling, makes some new friends and discovers a terrible secret about the circus.

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The Problem


Part of the problem was that there was no problem at all, she just liked to think there was. Every day she would rant on about nothing in particular, knowing full well that he was not listening. It was not his job to listen. If it was, he wasn’t being paid enough. She didn’t know…

Rupert Finn


The river was deep, but so was he. Rupert Finn sat on the banks of the Mersey river and thought about all the fish that had done him wrong over the years. His pet goldfish, who had so selfishly died after being over fed; the dolphin at the aquarium that didn’t wave back; his ex-wife,…

The Surname Collector


It was no great surprise to the people of Glasgow that Penelope Smith-Jones-Walker-Parks-Singh-Watts-Atkinson-Day-Fletcher loved surnames. This woman from Birmingham had a fascination with her name and a great desire to make it as long and varied as she could. To do this, she had to marry several times. This was not a difficulty for her,…

Maxwell’s Fingerprint


Maxwell Parmaham was a short Scottish man with a very bad temper. He loathed people and often found himself hitting them repeatedly. When he was not flying off the handle, he was flying on an aeroplane. Although he wasn’t a people person, he was a damn fine pilot. He knew it and so did everybody…

Ernie the Bus Driver


It was Ernie’s first time driving a bus. He’d wanted to be a bus driver for as long as he could remember, and now here he was in the driving seat behind the wheel of a bus. And what a bus it was. He had been pleased that his first journey was on a double…

Kevin’s Condition


Kevin was a man of simple pleasures. He liked his ovens hot and his fridges cold. If the television and toilet were both working, he could happily spend his day at home alone. Kevin was also not afraid to show his sentimental side, which often led to overbearing urges to cry at small dogs. One…

The Bed of Bod


Jenni tells me that the thing she would like more than anything in this world right now is a comfortable bed. At the moment she’s sleeping on a 30 year old mattress made of polystyrene that she bought from a shop that is now a Chinese take-away owned by a Frenchman with a goatee. She…

Melvin’s Blender


It was going cheap and so was Melvin. So he bought it. Spinning. Mushing. Crushing. Melvin was now the proud owner of a second hand blender. Like most people who buy blenders, he’d always wanted one and now he had one he didn’t know what to do with it. He wasn’t in the habit of…

Microwaves with Legs


This is a story about a sleazy entertainer who dreams of owning microwaves with legs and tells rude jokes to kids while causing all sorts of chaos at a sports day event.

Balama’s Army


As the boat got faster and faster, Barbara soared higher and higher. “Wheee!” she exclaimed as she flew through the sky like a cloud on drugs. But as the boat reached a critical speed, the wire snapped and she was left gliding along in the sky. After a few feet she started her descent, until…

Toasted Territories


“Buy your own sodding bread.” she shouted at her lodger, who was also her husband and father to her two children. He was asking her to go down to the shops to buy bread so he could finish building his toast-fort, but she was busy watching a television programme where a Judge called Judy shouted…

The Noisemaker


It was half past Wednesday when I woke up to the sound of noises, silently echoing around my room. I looked up, then down, then up, then down, then my neck hurt. I saw nothing, but heard more than enough to tell me that there was something in my room. I rolled off my bed…