“That’s what you think!” shouted Luna as she ran out of the house for the last time. In her rage she had forgotten to slam the door behind her so her murderous lodger did it for her.
“Slam!” shouted Lee as shut the door and he returned inside the house for the last time. He sat on the sofa and stared at the wall for exactly 2 minutes and 33 seconds. This had developed into somewhat of a ritual for Lee Marble, as an exercise to calm himself down in times of stress. And this was a very stressful time indeed, not helped by the fact that his anti-stress kit still hadn’t arrived in the post.
During the time it took for Luna to walk to her friend Sally’s house, several wars had been started by builders… Sorry, not wars, I mean walls. The local area was under renovation and the mayor could only afford two builders. Their names were Pip and Pop, a pair of loveable buffoons with little ability who both shared a passion for custard creams and hot beverages. As Luna marched past them, Pip made the big mistake of whistling to her in much the same way that wolves don’t. She immediately halted in her path, spun around and threw a mean glare in Pip’s general direction. Pip was aware that the glare was there and decided to cover up his whistle by pretending he was whistling along to a song in is head. As he continued to whistle a tune that no artist, living or drunk, had ever recorded, Luna began fumbling in her bag for something to make him cease. Finally she pulled out a ray gun and fired it. The flying old man, Ray Bundle, hit the newly built wall the builders were sitting on and Pip got the message and stopped whistling.
Luna carried on walking. Pip turned to Pop and said “Flurp hardle hingerbinger.” which roughly translated means ‘Man, she’s crazy’. Pop wiggled his ear lobe in agreement and the two finished their tea and returned to work. The wall they were working on was one of several that would form a house which, fourteen years later, would be sold to a rather wealthy lampshade. But they were not to know this as they slotted the next lego brick into place.
Luna knocked on the door of another house. She waited for a while and then a light came on behind the door. The door opened and her friend stood in the doorway looking both happy and glad at the same time.
“Hello Tina.” said Luna, who had forgotten her friends name and couldn’t be bothered to read up on what she had previously been referred to.
“Hello.” replied Tina, and then “Hello.” replied Tina, this time coming from her second head, located just under her left armpit.
“I see you’ve grown another one.” Luna said in reference to her friend’s extra head.
“Well y’know what they say,” said one head. “Two heads are better than one.” said the other.
“Indeed they are,” agreed Luna, “But right now we need to put our thinking cups on.”
Tina invited Luna into her house, which had 7 bedrooms, 1 bathroom and a secret passage that nobody knew about which led to a monastery somewhere.
Luna sipped a glass of wine. She did not like wine, but she had been told it was Ribena and she was too busy to notice that it wasn’t.
“I’ve got a plan.” Luna said after a perfectly acceptable amount of time.
“Well done”, Tina replied. “Do tell.”
By now Tina’s extra head – the one under her armpit – had gotten drunk and was sleeping quietly.
“Okay, this is what we’re going to do,” began Luna. “We’ll go back to my home, break the door down, then do something.”
“That sounds like a cracking plan,” said Tina “But are you sure you can remember the way back? It is quite dark and your house is over 10 yards away. It’s about 3,000 yards I think, which is still over 10.”
“Of course I can remember the way,” Luna argued, “I’ve lived there for over 300 years. It’s just past the pervy builders.”
And so they spent the rest of the night drinking wine, eating macaroni and scheming terrible schemes.
Three days later and the world had moved on. Green was now called ‘other blue’, custard was banned and the letter Z was now considered a swear word.
Luna woke up feeling fresh as a daisy. A daisy that had been picked by a dog and dragged through several hours of mud. She went downstairs and saw that Tina was ready and waiting for the plan that lay ahead. Luna, in her drunken state, had forgotten the plan, but luckily Tina had written it down on the kitchen floor using alphabet shaped spaghetti. They read through the plan, had some toast and read through it again. The plan was perfect. The plan was foolproof. The plan was now being eaten by a goose that had wondered in. Luna and Tina left the goose to his or her own devices and went outside to find the sun.
The sun was where they had left it, up in the sky. This was lucky because sunlight was a big part of their plan. They could not afford night-vision glasses and had not heard of torches. They strutted down the road in a confident fashion. On the way to Luna’s house, they saw Ed Wingly, the local vicar. The two women had never told the vicar that they were atheists, and he had never told them that he too was secretly an atheist. Ignorance is bliss. And Bliss was the vicar’s wife, who was a devoted catholic and a not-so-much devoted wife. Mr Wingly smiled as he past and raised one hand as if performing a half-hearted blessing. The women were thankful of this blessing nonetheless.
When they got to Luna’s home, they were shocked to find the house was no longer there. In it’s place was a large square of earth. Unsure what to do, Luna cursed a little and slapped Tina around one of her faces.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I just don’t know what to do now. My house isn’t here. What are we going to do? We had a plan, Tina! We had a bloody stinking plan! And 99.3% of that plan involved Lee being in the house!”
“Calm down you cat decorator,” Tina replied, and then her other head said, “We’ll just have to rework the plan. Firstly, we need to find Lee and, to a greater extent, your house.”
They looked all around but could not find the house anywhere. What they did find was Mrs Moore from next door. Being senile and having bad eyesight, Mrs Moore hadn’t even noticed the house had disappeared.
“I hadn’t even noticed the house had disappeared.” said Mrs Moore upon being questioned.
“Are you sure Mrs Moore?” Luna begged.
“Nice rhyme dear. Yes I’m sure.” she said.
“Damnit old lady!” erupted Luna, “You were my last hope of finding my home and my poohead lodger!”
“Please mind your language dear.” Mrs Moore said, and left to return to her own home which had not disappeared yet.
Luna span around. By this point she was feeling dizzy from having spun around twice already in the space of a few hours. When she finally stopped stumbling about the pavement, she straightened up to see Tina with a great big smile on her faces. At first Luna thought a make-up artist had mistaken Tina for a clown whilst she was talking to Mrs Moore, but as it soon transpired, Tina had found something very exciting indeed.
“What is it? What have you found?!” cried Luna.
“Only a flamin’ coupon for seven pence off a Samsung HD TV!” said Tina.
“Well what good is that you dopey sausage-filler?!” shouted Luna.
“It means I can buy a new TV.” Tina replied “Now I don’t have to stare at a drawing of Alexander Armstrong. I can watch him on a telly.”
“Moving!” Shouted her other head. “He’ll be moving! He’ll be going left and right and sometimes he might even move forward! Oh this is all too much for me, I’m going to have to go and lie down.”
So Tina went over to a nice bit of grass and lay down for exactly 6 minutes. Afterwards she got up and continued the conversation.
“He might be wearing a tie!” she carried on.
“Oh do shut up about that tall man.” cried Luna in frustration. “And tell me how are we going to find my house.”
Tina thought for a while and then clicked her fingers.
“I’ve got it!” she shouted.
“What we’ll do,” explained her armpit head, “Is we’ll build a new house. And then hopefully on his way home, your lodger will get confused and think this new house is the other one that’s disappeared.”
Luna stood silent for a moment and then gradually smiled. “You may not be an orange peacock,” she said, “But you make one heck of a plan.”
So for the next two days, with the help of Pip and Pop, they built an exact replica of Luna’s old house. As Luna looked at it, standing in all it’s glory, it was as if the house had never mysteriously left. The windows had glass in them, the door was red, and the chimney was humming the theme tune to Doctor Who as it always had done.
“Thank you boys, we appreciate your help.” said one of Tina’s heads to either Pip or Pop.
“Flarsden hipflurger mish-mosh-mash conga dipthorn.” replied Pop, which roughly translated as ‘You’re welcome tart’.
After Pip and Pop left, Luna and Tina went inside the house, which was now decorated and fully furnished thanks to Tina’s bottomless bank accountant, and hid in the upstairs basement to wait for Lee Marble to make his return.
Lee Marble never did return. He had had the house moved to Japan by half a dozen helicopters and was now living there under the pseudonym Li the Janitor. After seventeen days of waiting, Luna finally gave up on the return of her lodger and decided to just live in the new house.
“I’ll put an ad in the post office tomorrow for a new lodger.” she said wearily to Tina, who by now had gone insane and chopped off one of her own legs. Tina hopped, tripped and fell down the stairs and rolled out of the door straight into the arms of a Mexican mime artist called Hen. They would live happily ever after for a good three weeks before Tina regained a bit of sanity and left the sort of man who drinks lemon juice from a vase for a taller man who looked more like Alexander Armstrong.
Luna on the other hand did indeed put the notice up in the post office and had several replies regarding the spare room. One such reply was from a doctor of medicine called Phil Potsenpans with whom she fell completely in love with, though she would never tell him because she wanted it to be like in a sitcom.
And as for Pip and Pop… Well. They went on a television programme to track down their long lost relatives and found they had a second cousin three times removed from his house whose name was Pap. They let him move in with them and together they formed a band called Pip Pop Pap. They had one number 3 hit called Windleberry Montacocka before Pop left to work in advertising with a well established pair of actors called Snap and Crackle.
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